high people should be assigned attendants
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
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