Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
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