What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
