Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
