theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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