WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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