If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
