I smell stomach acid.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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