my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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