so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
