I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
