there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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