I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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