Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
