If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
