i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
