don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
