there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
