Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
