hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
