I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
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Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
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you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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