and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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