i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
