btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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