I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
