she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
