So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
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He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
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I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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