I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
