So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
