I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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