For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
