True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
