I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
