3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
