judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Randomize