How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
