from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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