i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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