At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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