you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
