Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
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My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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