Only a mothe r could love this liver
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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