you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
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Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
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He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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