I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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