clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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