I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Randomize
