glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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