Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
