just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
