yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
