and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
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we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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