I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
