I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
