I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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