White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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