Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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